LUCY (standing at the closed door): Mommy! MOMMY! Where are you?
ME: I’m using the bathroom, Lucy. Go back to the family room, and let me have some privacy.
LUCY: Privacy means “Go Away.” Right, Mommy?
ME: Yes, that's EXACTLY what it means. I’ll be out in a minute, okay?
LUCY (opening the bathroom door anyway): No, you don’t need privacy! That’s so silly! Hey, you only got on your panties!
ME (sighing): I know. That’s WHY I was asking for privacy. Now go watch Dora and let me get dressed. Then, I’ll take you to school.
LUCY: I don’t want to watch Dora any more. And, you don’t need to get dressed! Just wear THAT to school. (Pointing to my comfortable, but definitely better kept private, beige granny panties.)
ME: To be clear, you want me to leave the house naked except for panties. To go to your church-run school.
ME: Would you go to school in just YOUR panties?
LUCY: No way! But, you can, Mommy!
ME: Really. You think that would be appropriate?
ME: I don’t need a bra?
ME: Or a shirt?
ME: Or pants?
ME: Not even shoes?
LUCY: NO! But you could put on make-up. Like lipstick.
ME: Nice. I'll be sure to do that. And, since I don’t want to get arrested for public nakedness, I think I’ll get dressed too.
LUCY: But, I want to wear your bra. (Takes the bra from where it is sitting on the bathroom counter and puts it on her head.)
ME: Lucy, that is not a hat.
LUCY (laughing): Yes, it is! It’s a funny hat! It’s so big! I could put two heads in it!
ME (plucking the bra from her head and putting it on): Don’t play with my clothes, and please go to the family room.
LUCY: Mommy, that’s funny how you put your boobies in that bra. They’re all squishy! Did you put your nipples in it too? I can’t see them anymore.
ME (pulling on a shirt): Go.
LUCY: But, Mommy, I like watching you get dressed. You’re so jiggly! (Shakes her butt and dances around.)
LUCY: But, what about your pants? Can I help you put them on? Give me your leg! (Lunges for me, as I sidestep her and pull on my jeans.)
LUCY: Okay, Mommy. You want privacy?
ME (now fully dressed): Are you ready to give me some?
LUCY: Probably not.
ME: That’s what I thought. Now, get your stuff, and let’s go to school.