ME (standing in the doorway of the bathroom, as Lucy ascends her “throne”): Show me how you put your pee-pees in the potty!
LUCY: Mommy, I am a big girl. I can do it myself.
ME: I know you can. Do you want me to leave?
LUCY: No, but you can’t stand there.
ME: Where would you like me to stand?
LUCY: No standing. You can sit on the bath tub.
ME (sitting on the edge of the tub): Okay, now go ahead and potty.
LUCY: Mommy, don’t look at me.
ME: Where am I supposed to look?
LUCY: At the light switch.
ME (turning my head and starting to laugh…just a little): Okay, I’m looking at the light switch.
LUCY: And don’t laugh!
ME (stifling the laugh): Sorry, Princess.
LUCY: I’m not a princess! I’m Lucy! And don’t smile!
ME (trying my damndest to be serious): Sorry, Lucy. I’ll just concentrate on this light switch. Are you done yet?
LUCY: No! Mommy, don’t turn your head. STOP SMILING!
ME: Okay, okay!
LUCY: Don’t look at me.
ME: I’m not.
LUCY: Close your ears. Don’t listen to my pee-pees.
ME: Are you sure that you wouldn’t like me to leave the bathroom so you can have privacy?
LUCY: NO, MOMMY! DON’T LEAVE!
ME: Okay, so you want me to sit here, look at the light switch, not laugh, not smile, and not listen.
LUCY: Yes. And don’t move either.
ME: I won’t move either. Am I allowed to still talk to you?
LUCY: MOMMY! NO TALKING!
(She finally pees.)
LUCY: Mommy, I did it!
ME: Am I allowed to interact with you again, Your Royal Highness?
LUCY: Mommy, you can help me wipe!
ME: Of course. What else is a servant for?