Friday, September 6, 2013

Conspiracy Theory

This is the secret meeting that I imagine my four-month old son and three year old daughter hold each morning to strategize how they will most effectively torment me for the day:

WILL (the baby): I’ll start by spitting up on Mommy right after breakfast.

LUCY (the toddler): Aim for her boobs.

WILL: Of course. And, if she changes her shirt, I’ll do it again! Then I will cry incessantly every time she tries to put me down. I do love it when Mommy holds me.

LUCY: Enjoy it while you can, little brother. Because as soon as Mommy picks you up, I’ll come up with some kind of problem that requires her immediate assistance. Like I may need help finding a lost toy. Even if it’s sitting in plain sight on the couch.

WILL: Ohhh, maybe I'll lose my pacifier a few times too. Think you will throw some whining into the mix?

LUCY: That goes without saying, kid. If I’m not crying, I’ll be whining or, better yet, yelling! I might just have a meltdown for no good reason.

WILL: When you really get going, I’ll start screaming too!  

LUCY: Think we can get the dogs to howl along with us?

WILL: I don’t see why not. They like to get wild.

LUCY:  Just make sure that you don’t stop screaming until she sits in the rocking chair and holds us both. Not just you. Me too.

WILL: Hey, jealousy. I am the baby after all.

LUCY: Humph. You’re really playing that “baby” card a lot, you know. Anyway, once Mommy has gotten comfortably situated in the chair with us, I’ll start wiggling around, making sure to poke her repeatedly with my elbows. You try to pitch yourself out of her arms, okay?

WILL: I always do! You know she’s going to come up with some excuse to get up though. She’ll stick me in that bouncer and tell you to play quietly with your toys.

LUCY: You’re right, that does sound like a move she’d make. Mommy is really into “quiet time” for some unknown reason. We’ll have to counter by lulling her into a false sense of security by being good for a few minutes, then – as soon as she’s in the middle of whatever nonsense it is she’s doing – we’ll strike again.

WILL: I'll cry for a bottle until I turn purple!

LUCY: Good thinking! When she’s fixing your bottle, I’ll start demanding food too. As soon as my food is ready, I’ll refuse to sit and eat. I’ll say that I’ll only eat pudding. With no spoon.

WILL: That really pisses Mommy off, you know. She says you have no manners.

LUCY: Manners, shmanners. Mommy is so silly. Anyway, when she sits down to feed you, I’ll say that I have to go potty.

WILL: She’ll have to put me down then – she sure is obsessed with that pottying thing! Which I totally don’t get, by the way. What’s wrong with a nice, absorbent diaper? Anyway, I’ll pitch another fit when she’s in the bathroom with you!

LUCY: You know, you really are a fast learner! Since you love your diapers so much, do you think that you could make at least one of them explode with poo-poo?

WILL: Sure thing. What else is on the agenda?

LUCY:  Hmmmm. I can probably ask her a hundred thousand times to let me to play outside with the chalk. When Mommy finally gives in, I’ll play for about five minutes, get covered from head to toe in multi-colored chalk dust, and then demand to come back inside.

WILL: Wish I could help you with this one, but Mommy will probably stick me on my play mat while you’re out there. Stupid tummy time. I’ll ask the dogs to help you track the chalk around the house, though.

LUCY: Thanks, buddy! After I’m done, I’ll cry for a change of clothes, because I don’t want to be dirty...but then I will only want to wear what’s in the dirty clothes hamper. Oh, irony, you are my friend! Then I will continue to harass Mommy until she lets me help with the laundry. She’ll have to wash most of her shirts anyway, if you've done your job.

WILL: But will you really help?

LUCY: Of course not. I’ll make a bigger mess! Laundry. Will. Be. Everywhere. Watch and learn, little brother.

WILL: Will you do the thing where Mommy asks you a question, and you pretend like you can’t hear her?

LUCY: Is my name Lucy? I’ll go deaf as soon as she tells me to clean up!

WILL: We’ll have her crying for Daddy before five…just like we do!

LUCY: Hahahaha! We’ve got a big day planned, so remember that if I get sleepy, you HAVE to stay awake.

WILL: No problem, sis. We’ve definitely practiced that rotation enough. But should we ever give Mommy a break?

LUCY: No wonder she likes you better. But, yeah, right before she starts guzzling her special juice, I’ll tell her that I actually love her the most.

WILL: I will snuggle against her and sigh. That'll get her through the rest of the day.

LUCY: Now, THAT’s a plan! Let’s get started on three! One, two, three…Hey, Mommy! Cock-a-doodle-doo!



  1. Uh oh.... how'd they get your number so early in the game?

  2. This is hysterical and may be truer than we think! They are in cahoots for sure!