ME (slightly alarmed): What’s wrong?
HUSBAND: I’m mortified.
ME: What happened?
HUSBAND: I bent over to run Lucy’s bath, and I accidently farted. She was behind me. She asked, “Daddy, did you poot?” AND THEN SHE LEANED OVER AND SNIFFED MY ASS.
HUSBAND: She. Sniffed. My. Ass. I think her nose may have touched my butt cheek.
HUSBAND: You’re going to blog about this, aren’t you?
ME: Of course I am. Come on, she sniffed your ass!
HUSBAND (maybe to himself more than to me): Why would she do that?
ME: Let’s find out. (Calling out) Hey, Lucy. Can you come in here?
LUCY (happily running into the room): What, Mommy?
ME: Can I talk to you for a minute?
LUCY (hopeful): About music? Or princesses? OR COWGIRLS?
ME: No. About poots.
LUCY: Daddy just pooted! It was SMELLY!
ME (seriously struggling to keep my composure): So here’s the thing…Everybody poots sometimes. Daddy poots. You poot. Even I poot. So, what do you do when people poot?
LUCY: You sniff! (Makes a loud sniffing noise)
LUCY: You sniff them! On their bottoms!
ME (choking on the laughter): No, no, no! You don’t do that. You just ignore it.
LUCY: No, Mommy, you have to sniff them.
ME: No! Where did you learn that?
ME: Don’t blame your grandmother.
HUSBAND (to me): Although it is possible…
ME (to Lucy): Honey, when you sniff other people’s bottoms, it makes them uncomfortable. And that’s a bad feeling. You don’t want people to feel bad, do you?
LUCY (hesitantly): No…
ME: Anyway, you’re not a dog.
LUCY (surprised): I’m not?
ME: Of course you’re not. You’re a human girl.
LUCY: No, I’m a BIG girl.
ME: Fine. You're a big girl. So when someone poots, what does a big girl do?
LUCY: I don’t know.
ME: A big girl ignores it. No laughing, no comments, and definitely no sniffing.
LUCY (skeptical): Are you sure?
ME: Yes. Now, go take your bath, and don’t sniff Daddy’s bottom again.
LUCY: Okay. But, can I touch his nipple?
At that, my husband left the room, mortified all over again. I couldn’t stop laughing. Consider us divided and conquered.