Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Sniff Test

Every evening my husband and I use the “divide and conquer” strategy to face the kids’ bath and bed time. Last night, I was in the baby’s room, getting him changed and ready for his last bottle, when my husband, who was supposed to be bathing Lucy, ran into the room. He looked a bit shaken.

ME (slightly alarmed): What’s wrong?

HUSBAND: I’m mortified.

ME: What happened?

HUSBAND: I bent over to run Lucy’s bath, and I accidently farted. She was behind me. She asked, “Daddy, did you poot?” AND THEN SHE LEANED OVER AND SNIFFED MY ASS.


HUSBAND: She. Sniffed. My. Ass. I think her nose may have touched my butt cheek.


HUSBAND: You’re going to blog about this, aren’t you?

ME: Of course I am. Come on, she sniffed your ass!

HUSBAND (maybe to himself more than to me): Why would she do that?

ME: Let’s find out. (Calling out) Hey, Lucy. Can you come in here?

LUCY (happily running into the room): What, Mommy?

ME: Can I talk to you for a minute?

LUCY (hopeful): About music? Or princesses? OR COWGIRLS?

ME: No. About poots.

LUCY: Daddy just pooted! It was SMELLY!

ME (seriously struggling to keep my composure): So here’s the thing…Everybody poots sometimes. Daddy poots. You poot. Even I poot. So, what do you do when people poot?

LUCY: You sniff! (Makes a loud sniffing noise)

ME: What?

LUCY: You sniff them! On their bottoms!

ME (choking on the laughter): No, no, no! You don’t do that. You just ignore it.

LUCY: No, Mommy, you have to sniff them.

ME: No! Where did you learn that?

LUCY: Gigi.

ME: Don’t blame your grandmother.

HUSBAND (to me): Although it is possible…

ME (to Lucy): Honey, when you sniff other people’s bottoms, it makes them uncomfortable. And that’s a bad feeling. You don’t want people to feel bad, do you?

LUCY (hesitantly): No…

ME: Anyway, you’re not a dog.

LUCY (surprised): I’m not?

ME: Of course you’re not. You’re a human girl.

LUCY: No, I’m a BIG girl.

ME: Fine. You're a big girl. So when someone poots, what does a big girl do?

LUCY: I don’t know.

ME: A big girl ignores it. No laughing, no comments, and definitely no sniffing.

LUCY (skeptical): Are you sure?

ME: Yes. Now, go take your bath, and don’t sniff Daddy’s bottom again.

LUCY: Okay. But, can I touch his nipple?

At that, my husband left the room, mortified all over again. I couldn’t stop laughing. Consider us divided and conquered.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, my! Poor Daddy - he doesn't know if he's coming or going with this child, does he? Thanks for the belly laugh!