Lucy forces the rest of us, including her baby brother and the dogs, to play "Frozen" along with her too, randomly assigning parts to us to suit her royal whims. Those plum roles include Anna's parents, the King and Queen (who – spoiler alert – die in the first ten minutes of the movie. Thanks for that one, Disney.); Anna's sister, Elsa (who also is the Ice Queen); Anna's two love interests, Prince Hans and Kristoff; a talking snowman named Olaf; Sven the reindeer; and a slew of trolls (who are alleged "love experts").
As an aside, our dog Oscar makes a fetching prince. And, I NEVER get to be Elsa.
Anyway, last night we were preparing to act out “Frozen” during dinner, as you do. My husband, who was coming home late, walked in just as Lucy was finishing up the casting process. And, this is what happened:
LUCY: Mommy, you’re Anna’s mother again. The Queen. But, not Elsa. Okay?
ME (as I turn to feed Will): Fine. Do I say anything this time?
LUCY: No. You just die when your boat tips over.
LUCY: And, Will, you are the donkey.
WILL (eating his cereal in silence)
ME: Lucy, you know it’s a reindeer, right? Remember, his name is Sven.
LUCY: Right. Sven. Or maybe Will could be the snowman?
WILL (chewing a mouth full of cereal and watching his sister with fascination)
ME: I think a non-speaking part would be best for him.
LUCY: Yeah, ‘cause Will can’t talk. He’ll be the donkey!
ME: It’s a…(hearing the front door open) Hey, I think Daddy’s home.
LUCY: Yay, Daddy! He’s home! Can I meet him at the door and tell him who he is?
ME: Sure. Who is he? The king?
LUCY (calling over her shoulder as she runs down the hall): No, mommy! He’s the love expert!
ME (trying not to laugh): I can’t wait for you to tell him that.
LUCY (meeting her father in the hall): Hi, Daddy! You’re home! You’re the love expert!
DADDY: Hi, Lu…wait, what did you call me?
LUCY (enthusiastically yelling): YOU’RE THE LOVE EXPERT!
DADDY (calling to me): Audra, what? What does that mean?
ME (calling back): She’s playing “Frozen,” just go with it.
DADDY (taking Lucy’s hand and walking her back to the dinner table): Ohhhhh. Okay, so I’m the love expert. Does that mean I’m a troll?
LUCY: Yeah, a troll. They look like rocks. But there’re not! They are love experts!
DADDY (looking relieved): Okay, I’m a troll now. So what do I do?
LUCY: You’re the love maker!
DADDY (aptly frozen in place): I DO WHAT? (Sputtering as he turns to me) Did she just say that I’m the “love maker”?
ME (choking back the guffaws): Yes, she sure did. Maybe you can show me what you do later? Hubba, hubba.
DADDY (to me): Not funny. (To Lucy) Okay, so what does “love maker” mean exactly?
LUCY: It means you make the love, silly! You sing the song about the fixer upper and you make a hole in the ground and Anna and the boy get in it and you try to make them get married, but they don’t because you can’t get married in a hole! You get married in a church in a white dress, of course!
DADDY (visibly relaxing): Of course.
LUCY: You are a fixer upper too, Daddy.
ME (laughing uncontrollably): Ain’t that the truth.
DADDY (to me): Not funny. (To Lucy) Why is that?
LUCY: Because you fix things!
DADDY: Okay, that’s better.
ME (under my breath): If untrue.
DADDY (to me): You’re not helping.
ME (singing): “So he's a bit of a fixer upper, But we know what to do…”
LUCY (joining in): “The way to fix this fixer upper, Is to fix him up with you.”
DADDY (interrupting): Still not funny. Let’s just eat.
LUCY: Trolls are grumpy, just like Daddy.
ME: They sure are.
WILL (still silent)