ME: Lucy, what are you doing? Get your finger out of your nose!
LUCY: But I have a booger. I have to pick it out, Mommy.
ME: No, you don’t. (Handing her a baby wipe) Just blow your nose, please, and put the booger in here.
LUCY: No, I am going to hide it.
ME (feeling a little panicky): Wait, what? Do you hide boogers a lot?
ME (with relief): That’s good to hear.
LUCY: But I do pick my nose in bed, because there’s boogers in my nose.
LUCY (happily): I put my boogers on my pillow and in my bed. That’s where I have to hide them. Until they say, “Hi, Lucy” to me and hop back in my nose. But the Little Booger stopped to suck his thumb, and the Daddy Booger grabbed his arm. Because they were going all down to the ground. Because it was raining.
ME (revolted by the implications of her "story"): Does that mean that there are boogers IN YOUR BED AND ON THE FLOOR BESIDE IT?
LUCY: But they are all gone now. They went to the ground OUTSIDE.
ME: How did they get there?
LUCY: By the handsome Mommy.
ME: Did I vacuum them up?
LUCY: Yes. Are you handsome?
ME: Sure, whatever, but we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about your boogers. So what happens when we change the sheets on your bed?
LUCY: All the boogers run away.
ME: Where do they go?
LUCY: Down to the ground under my bed.
ME (gag, gag, gag): That’s so gross, Lucy. You know that it’s gross to pick boogers, right?
LUCY: Not for me, Mommy.
ME: Yes, baby, it’s gross for everybody. Boogers are not our friends. They go in tissue.
LUCY: And they go in toilet paper. Some do.
ME: Right. But they don’t go in our beds or pillows.
LUCY: But I’m trying to hide them from you and Daddy.
LUCY (defiantly): Because you don’t like boogers. So that’s what I have to do.
ME: Why not just blow your nose?
LUCY: Because I don’t like to do that. And you always make me do that.
ME: Do you need tissue in your room so you could be in charge of blowing your own nose? Would that solve this problem?
ME: Will you promise me to use the tissue?
ME: So no more hiding boogers?
LUCY: No more hiding boogers.
ME: Because they aren’t our friends.
LUCY: No…What are they then?
ME: Right back at you.